Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
when you order from DoorDastardly
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.