why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
You Might Also Like
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
True
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
i meant to share this earlier
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
