why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.