Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what