Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
You Might Also Like
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Good morning.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi