Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.