
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!