Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child