Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.