Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.