Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@atDevin

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

@dadinabearsuit

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

@Token_Geezer

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

@Writethatdown12

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

@SaltyMacTavish

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

@Smooheed

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.