Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have been warned.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…