Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

whatcha thinkin bout

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

(more comics:

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?