Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced