Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space![]()
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan