Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
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Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.