Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear