“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”


“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.


(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.


The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.


Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.


So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché


Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist


Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.


Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.


*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”


The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.