“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.