Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
You Might Also Like
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
selena gomez
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.