Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.