Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.