why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
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You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That鈥檚 impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
ME: I can鈥檛 find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow鈥擨 did not put those on
oh you love me? name every curb i鈥檝e ever hit while driving
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
then why did i get this email
SHE SAID YES!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn鈥檛 because this isn鈥檛 the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I鈥檓 in less] and Easy 馃檪
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they鈥檝e walked through them? I think it might be 29.