Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
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Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*