Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.