Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
You Might Also Like
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.