Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
The human personality is made of five key elements
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.