Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
You Might Also Like
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min