Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.