Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
That’s easy for you to say
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
every. time.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
next level snooze
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”