Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
We like the way Dwight thinks
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark