Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.