WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Brb my Sims are getting married
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David