Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.