Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
X-tra spooky blend
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
She was REALLY feeling it.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.