why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.