Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
it’s the silliest best thing
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup