Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already