@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

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@AlexvanBeek

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

@robotrowboat

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

@EndhooS

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

@bonehugsnirony

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

@meganamram

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

@Reverend_Scott

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

@Renie_Rivas

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.