Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah