Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Ooops wrong house😂😜
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Ann: I wanna break up
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product