Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

#Caturday

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

Make new friends? bro out of what?

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL