@ApocalypticLoFi

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

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@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

@CrockettForReal

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@RexHuppke

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@mazizkhalifa

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

@Storminika

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.