Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Ooops wrong house😂😜

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product