Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

It’s actually Dr. whatever

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?