“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
i spent way too long on this
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]