Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Twitter is an abusement park.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”