“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
me logging onto twitter
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.