Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.