Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.