Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!


To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom


A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.


I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.


Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.


Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.