Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me :
All Day At Night
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Never forget.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.