why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?