Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right


Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this


Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Death otter
Revenge Possum


Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones


[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.


My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.


[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died


Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.


A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?