Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Happy weekend !