Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I…do not understand how electricity works.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.