Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for