why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: