Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
New Tinder profile.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa