Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
This probably isn’t good
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son