Why does laundry happen to good people?
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories