Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”