Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her