Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
😂😂
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
🍛
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front