Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Guantanamo Bae
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.